Once Upon a Tear in the TimeSpace Continuum
by chibi angelle
Summary: Malfoy and Granger are trapped in an alternate dimension after a duel gone wrong. Now they have to battle the odds and more often each other to get home again. But when they reach the end of this twisted universe, will they realy want to return ?


**Once Upon a Tear in the Space-Time Continuum**

**By Chibi Angelle**

Dedicated to Bridges, I hope this story is at least half as random as you are ;)

I don't own Hogwarts characters, orange juice rivers or Oompaloompas, but that would be interesting.

Fierce sunlight streamed through a gap in his heavy silk curtains. So. That meant it was morning. Today was… Sunday? Monday? Draco wasn't sure, but it made a world of difference, he couldn't be late or one of his parents (namely his father) might come striding down all high and mighty and ask (in front of everyone, as was his annoying way) why in the damned hell he hadn't been in class. A warm body beside him stirred. He had a brilliant idea; he would ask the owner of the arm wrapped his torso what day it was. One problem; there were more than one pair of arms wrapped around him. How was he supposed to wake the person behind him when he was being smothered in body parts? He shoved his elbow back gently, nudging whoever it was in the face. "Hey," He said, none to softly, not really caring if everyone around him woke up or not. "Wake up." He told her a little louder this time, probably bruising her face (unintentionally) with a second elbow nudge.

"Bleah grawr gurgle," She mumbed incoherently. Apparently she wasn't a morning person. After a few more nudges from his milk white elbow, she rolled over and fell out of bed, her auburn fanning out around her delicate face. He recognized her as Pansy Parkinson, from the flower tattooed on her swan-like neck. She moaned at the sunlight in her eyes and rolled away. Well, she was no help. There was another pair of arms wrapped around his toned midsection, raven hair glistened around her face, obscuring it from his vision. He poked what he thought to be the top of her head. "Hey, wake up." This time the girl did wake up, and almost immediately. A pair of curious, almost lamp-like eyes stared back at him, wide awake. "What is it? Have you spotted a seven-pronged Snargaluff eater? They're very common at this time of day." Draco resisted the urge to roll his eyes; Luna Lovegood may be a super freak in bed, but she was really just too weird with the whole pillow talk thing.

"No," He told her impatiently. "I haven't seen a seven-pronged… whatever. I was just wondering, do you know what today is?"

"Oh yes," She told him quite joyfully. "It is about 11:30, judging from how the dust motes are quivering and today is Sunday, October 30th, the day when Hookamanders were discovered by the German wizard—hey, where are you going?"

"October 30th? 11:30?" He muttered to himself, jumping out of bed. "oh, she's going to kill me." His eyes cast around the room, looking for any piece of clothing that looked like it belonged to him. Pieces of clothing were thrown haphazardly around the room last night in the flurry of their… festivities.

He spotted one of his crisp designer dress shirts over by the wall and picked it up, frowning at the crimson lipstick smear on the collar. Still, now was not the time to be picky; really, he should just throw his robe on over a pair of boxer shorts (if he could find them), tie the whole thing off with a belt and just run. Luna got up from bed and held him from behind, grinding her lower half against his. "Hey baby, what's your hurry? You look like you just got blasted by a—"

"Oh stop with the creepy weird analogies, Loony. You're givin' me a headache." Pansy grumbled, shuffling across the room to them. "But Draco, honey. What's the rush?"

"Head Boy duties… must go…."

"Well, we're sure they can wait." The girls said together, pinning him against the wall with their beautifully naked bodies.

"Well when you put it that way…" He murmured, licking his lips.

XXXX

_Tap. Tap. Tap. _Hermione groaned and peeled her face off the book she had fallen asleep on last night. Their OWLs were coming up in several months and Hermione was quite sure was late in preparing for them. She was reviewing Advanced Potions, a particularly sticky book due to Ron spilling soda on it last night at dinner as she tried to review and eat at the same time. She groaned as it took more than a little extra effort to unstick her pallid cheek.

The tapping was becoming more insistent now, as if whoever was making it was getting impatient. "I'm coming," She grumbled, opening the door to find no creature of any sort behind it. And then she remembered it was impossible for anyone to be at her bedroom door because she hadn't given anyone the password to the Heads special dorms. She turned around, feeling rather foolish, and went to the window.

A majestic gray owl perched on the window sill, rapping at the glass with her beak. Hermione quickly unlatched the window and let the owl in. It flew once around the room and landed on her shoulder, sticking its leg out automatically. She untied the message and the owl, being relieved of its duties, soared out the window and back into the open sky. Or, more accurately, back to the Owlery were the house elves would take care of it. She unrolled the scroll the owl had given her. "_Dear Ms. Granger," _She read aloud. "_It is now eight thirty in the morning on October 30__th__, you requested a wake up owl for this time and date. Good morning." _Ah yes, that was it. Today was the day before their big Hallowe'en ball. Well, she should get ready soon, they agreed that they would meet outside the great hall after breakfast. She'd requested the wake-up for nine o'clock, so she would have lots of time to shower and eat.

After giving her hair a quick once-over with a hairbrush, she filled her gigantic Head Girl tub with steamy water and all manner of strangely formed bubbles. She could practically swim laps in a tub this huge, but she chose to just let her body float to the marble bottom. A tacky yellow and purple snorkel lay near the lip of her tub; a Creevey brothers' present to her (although she was sure it was because they meant it to be an introduction piece to a conversation with Harry). She put the mouthpiece where it was supposed to go and used it to breathe so that she wouldn't need to come up for a while. The warm, fragrant water engulfed her and she stayed there for as long as a swallow-horn magtail takes to reproduce.

(For those who are out of the loop, it's and hour and a half. The world is actually overpopulated with them but most Muggles don't know it because they're invisible. They are the cause of over-hormonal monkeys, polka music played by badly mangled bagpipes and the like. It is most easiest to spot them at twilight, because that's their bedtime and they tend to forget to be invisible. Why am I telling you this? Well, you asked, didn't you?)

After a time (and now you know _exactly_ how much time), she resurfaced and got dressed to go down to the Great Hall. Since it was Sunday, she needn't have worn her school uniform so put on sensible slacks, denims and a thick woolen sweater to wear against the autumn chill.

-about 3 hours later-

Hermione was waiting outside the Great Hall, impatient and alone because Harry and Ron both had Quidditch practice.

She'd spent the last few hours of her life reading a "light" book. Several books, actually. Most of them about Greek mythology and ancient creatures, just for fun, really. She wasn't even taking that class this year. She's read and reread all of them and he _still _wasn't here.

"Where in the sodding hell could he be?" Hermione asked herself through gritted teeth. "He's late by…" She consulted her watch for the umpteenth time. "By three hours and thirty-seven mintues!! ARGH!! That insufferable prat, stupid, impunctual, weasel-headed domnoddy! Where in Merlin's beard could he be?! I told him a thousand times, to be ready for today! We have a lot to go over!" Her ranting and pacing stopped abruptly, as a light bulb popped over her head. "What the hell?" She said, snatching the strange Muggle thing away from her russet tangles. She placed it gently on the stone mantle piece beside her, an idea popping into her brain as suddenly as the light bulb. She waved her wand with a flourish. "Persnickety Torturum." A Howler appeared before her, giving off a pulsing red glow. This was a new Fred and George creation; it was like a Howler, but with a more obscene twist. "Draco Malfoy," She told it. "Search and Annoy." The pulsing red envelope giggled maliciously and zoomed off down the corridor, where it turned the corner and vanished from sight.

At the other end of the corridor, moments later, she heard a small explosion, several screams and her own voice screaming in that annoying authoritative whine. Malfoy was moving his lips, obviously trying to retaliate, but the sound of his voice was no match for Hermione's over-amplified one. "Have you no shame?! Walking along the halls like that without a cover upon your face! The nerve! You cracked about half a dozen mirrors on your way here! Really, the way your nose just juts out from your face, its more like a beak really. Someone should break just so it doesn't look like you magically enhanced it too much. _Really, what is your problem?_ A nose that straight just isn't natural! And you paired it with your grease-slicked hair! You look like an overgrown cockatoo! With extra emphasis on the _cock. _Are you gay? I think you're gay. You certainly seem like a gay guy to me. When did you first realize that you liked men? Not that there's anything wrong with that. PSYCHE! There is everything wrong with that, but not for everyone else, just you. Because, to put it quite simply Malfoy I really don't think you should be allowed to mate with anything. And don't get me started; I know you tried. I saw that cactus you tried to mount. Didn't that hurt? And really—"

"Persnickety Disapparo." Hermione waved her wand at the absolutely radiant Howler and it popped twice and disappeared. She hid her smile behind her hand as Draco was no more than two feet away from her, glowering ominously.

"The _nerve _of you, Mudblood."

The grin faded. "Don't you _dare _call me that, you Pureblooded _prick._"

"Whatcha gonna do about it, _MUDBLOOD._" He was taunting her, she knew. But she still rose to the bait.

She threw her library book at him as a warning. It sailed across his head and smashed into a statue behind him. "Watch it you dumbass cockatoo. You wasted my time and I am _this close_ to hexing your face from here to Timbucktoo."

"I dare you to, _Mudblood_."

"Petrificus Totalus!" Hermione screamed.

"Protego." Draco said, calm and safe behind his protective bubble.

"Paricalitatus." She said, and Draco's protection spell dissolved into tears. "Piertum locomotor." She said to a statue, who sprang to life and went after the young Slytherin.

"Impedimenta." And the statue crumbled into dust. Draco shot a jinx at her and she rolled out of the way, shooting a spell of her own at his legs.

Their over-escalated argument brought a crowd of onlookers, one of these people being Ron, who had several chicken legs in the crook of his arm and was eating them as one would eat a tub of popcorn. "Get 'im 'ermione!" He cheered, chunks of chicken flying from his mouth at audience members in front of him.

"Drop your wands, this very instant." McGonagal's voice commanded, stern yet disappointed, from behind the masses of people.

"He started it, professor." Hermione chattered, her voice high at the prospect of being in trouble.

"You threw the book at me, _you _threw the first jinx. Au contraire, Mudblood. You. Started. It."

Did she really? She wondered. Probably. Yes, being close to the young Malfoy made her _this much _(imagine the width of Texas)unreasonable and illogical. Not to mention violent, insane, maniacal and easily provoked. But anyway.

"I'll ask you not to use that language—" McGonagal started, but was cut off by Hermione's enraged, "Bellacolate Barnectomy!" Angry mauve sparks hurled themselves at his stomach.

Malfoy, reacting quickly, threw a fiery trail of burning green flames back at her. Professor McGonagal, who acted half a second too late, flicked an "Expelliarmus," at them both. The point at which all three spells met melted into each other, shimmered strange metallic colors and sucked away a perfect circle in the granite floors, as well the people nearest the strange and sudden portal. Since their fight had backed people away from the intended 'duel ground', Hermione and Draco were the closest. And before Ron could utter a chain of creative swear words, they were gone, the clatter of their wands the only sign that they had previously existed.

A pair of twinkling blue eyes took in the scene for a moment. Then, seemingly satisfied, the figure disappeared like a dusty cobweb shadow.

XXXXX

Two figures flew out of the ground, as if the earth itself had swallowed them, decided that they tasted of old gym socks, and so spit them out. They soared several feet into the air and landed in a floating cave on a citrus-colored river which they would come to learn was orange juice flavored. It was Hermione who woke up first; she had landed on the lip of the cave and bounced all the way inside. Draco, however, landed straight down on top of her. The impact of his body on hers knocked her back into reality (But cushioned him to unconsciousness for a while). She opened her eyes and found her vision was blurry, strange green and orange fuzzy blobs swam in and out of focus. She groaned softly, trying to shake her head clear. That made her dizzy so she just settled to nestling her head on a nearby rock.

"Oh look, Mooky, that one's awake." Her head began to clear painfully slowly, and it took a while for the faces in front of her to come into focus. When they did, she prayed she was hallucinating. Look again, her brain told her eyes.

They were really there. She gasped in fear, felt her head swim and tried to calm down.

What stood before her were a pair of mutant Oompaloompas. Their skin was a bright orange and their hair a mess of lime green, but they weren't as cuddly as Hermione originally imagined them to be. Two massive canine teeth jutted from their lower jaws, growing past their upper lip. Yellow-green slit pupiled eyes stared curiously back at her through a tangle of green dreadlocks. They were definitely NOT midgets. Beefy orange arms dangled from a hunched spine, a posture that would both annoy and infuriate all of her teachers.

It was funny how, at a moment like this, she was still thinking about school.

"Well, what they is?" The first voice asked aloud.

"Dunno, Boom, but they ugly." Mooky replied.

"They look kinda like—"

"Don't say her name. I mean it Mook, I hate it. It's so… I dunno. Different I guess. Like she's not a whole Loompa, half somethin' else. Something ugly."

"Or-" Mooky was teasing, but something like anger glinted in his eyes.

"Shut up." Boom snapped edgily.

"But they do, don't they."

"Yeah."

"So. Can we eat 'em?"

"Sure. We'll ask Gurge to cook 'em for us, yeah?"

"Oh yeah. Gurge is _the_ best food-cooker, ain't she?"

"Mmhmm. I think Imuna ask her ta marry me."

"Not if I get there first. Hey, wait a tic. If I bring 'er meats food, maybe it'll make 'er like me more!"

"Yeah! Great idea, Mook!" 'Boom' said, picking up Hermione like a sack of potatoes. She groaned, the sudden movement making her vision swim before her eyes.

"Don't go'n stealin' my ideas, Boomie." Mooky said, slinging the still unconscious Draco over his own shoulder.

"Firs' 'un to get —" But Mooky was already off, sprinting down a long winding tunnel which branched off into several spindly passages.

The two strange creatures with their seemingly light loads practically flew deeper and deeper into the earth until they dropped their bundles in front of a huge crackling cauldron filled with a foul smelling liquid sloshing about inside. Mooky and Boom swooned at the smell, or maybe the sight of the creature behind the cauldron.

To put it politely, it was rather disgusting; its greasy orange skin was bubbled and stretched over a ridiculous amount of fat. Green tangles hung limply in her face, damp with sweat, which dripped into the cauldron occasionally. As they entered, she let loose an epic belch through uneven and jagged teeth. Hermione wanted to puke, but Mooky and Boom seemed to have an adoring sparkle in their eyes. Draco Malfoy, on the other hand, seemed to think otherwise.

"Ugh! That's disgusting! Whose ass did you pop out of?!" He groaned as he rose from conciousness, his cockiness obviously still intact.

Mooky shook him roughly, snorting behind one hand for a moment. "Speak to Lady Gurge with respect! That's no way to be talkin' to the prettiest girl in the world."

"You tell 'em, Mook." Boom agreed, as Hermione gave Draco the best "Please Shut UP" look with the contents of her head swimming around like eels in a cup of coffee. "Anyways, Gurge. I brought you some meat. And you can have it…" He smiled suggestively. "_If _you promise to marry me."

"Meat, you say?" The… thing's jaw hung with ribbons of slobber. "I haven't had meat in ages… What kind of meat?"

"_Human _meat." Mooky told her, trying to attract her attention with his own human meat sack. But the slobber backtracked its way back up her chin.

"_Humans?! _I can't eat the humans!" The 'inedible' beings sighed with relief. "They have to be checked for diseases first!" Hermione stiffened in offense. "I shall set up an appointment with Their Majesties as soon as possible, but you must give them to someone who will not be tempted to eat them, you know how rare meat is around here."

"But _you_ are meat," Draco grumbled in exasperation, annoyed at being stereotypically labeled as 'diseased'.

"I said 'shut _up_'" Mooky repeated, growling.

"Give them to Orchid Layla," Gurge said, ignoring the way Boom flinched, though she fairly spat the word as if it was something unpleasant in her orange maw. "She would never eat _them._ I'll send someone for them in the morning."

"Sure thing, m'lady." Boom said, bowing with part awe part disgusting infatuation.

Mooky and Boom loped down several narrower passageways that led steeper and steeper into the bowels of the earth (which had indigestion and so smelled awful) until they reached a delicate wooden door, carved with blossoms and exotic parakeets. Boom seemed apprehensive, so Mooky stepped forward and rapped his scabbed knuckles on the door. The door shuddered in disgust and being touched by such a foul creature, but swung inward anyways.

"What?" Demanded a musical, lilting voice.

"Two humans, you need to watch 'em for Miss Lady Gurge, 'til she can get 'em checked."

"Proceed." Boom half walked, half cowered into the stairwell, bordered by a varnished mahogany railing. Their two carriers ignored these and simply jumped all the way down to the bottom. They stood there, confused as to what to do next, until that voice rang out again, "Hello, Boomer. How are the Jubbajees?"

"They-they's fine ma'am." Boomer mumbled, fidgeting with the edge of his dirty toga-like garment.

"And you, Mookerton. Married yet?" The voice was teasing, as if whoever was talking was smiling as it spoke.

"N-no, ma'am," Mooky said, a little more at ease with the situation than his friend. Hermione wasn't sure, he seemed to be blushing, of course, when one has orange skin, what color is their blush?

"Well. Good luck with that. I'm guessing all this meat is for her. Anyway, you boys go on now. Word is that Gurge doesn't like to be kept waiting."

"Y-es ma'am," Boomer said, relief evident in his voice. "We'll being seein' yas." And then he bounded up the stairs, taking them five at a time.

"You take care now, Miss Lady Orchid." Mooky bowed and smiled into the darkness before slowly walking up the stairs, lingering on the landing for a moment, as if momentarily lost in thought (which is rather hard to imagine), and stepped carefully up the stairs as opposed to loping like Boomer did.

"That boy's sweet on you isn't he?" Draco said to the surrounding darkness.

Hermione's first thought was to reprimand him, but her brain wouldn't do anything but keep her vitals going, and let me tell you, it was _quite _the effort.

A light chuckle echoed from the shadows, coming nearer until they could make out a faint figure against the shadows. Then suddenly she materialized right next to Draco, whispered in his ear, "How did you guess, human? Is my lover so transparent?"

"Yes, obviously." Malfoy told her. "Clearly he's crazy about you, but your society seems to have a warped vision of what beauty is."

"Warped?" She mused gently. "How warped?"

"Why don't you show me?" Draco murmured, figuring that anything with a voice and breath _that _intoxicating must have at least a 9.5 on the Draco's Sexy Scale of 1 to 10.

She obliged him, turning him around slowly. When he got a full look at her, at her strange features, he gasped aloud. It only took a moment, but it was enough to register what he was seeing. He stumbled back a little.

"What in the hell are you?!"

**Okay people, you know the drill. Now that you've read it. If you wanna flame me, go ahead but at least give a real reason. (That means, no, you cannot tell me my writing sucks because I am an idiot. Granted, this maybe a tad bit true, but it would nice if I knew exactly how I am an idiot.) Alright then, click that beautiful; button, hope you enjoyed!**

**-Chibi Angelle **


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